Protecting Yourself in Partner Dancing
Salsa and bachata are easily two of the most popular social dancing forms. They operate largely in after-hours clubs, bars, and restaurants, and daytime lessons are taught in many studios across the city.
Salsa and bachata are also greatly dependent on partner work, the safety of which is sometimes compromised. It is important to bring awareness to the issues of consent and physical boundaries when dancing with a partner, especially when they are a stranger.
Photo Courtesy of Wix
Warning: This article contains descriptions of sexual harassment.
From my short time during post-secondary in the social dancing world, I've learned many good things about it. It's a wonderful way to engage in dancing with like-minded people and really push your creative limits. But with all good things come the undesired ones...
Having partners in dance means physical contact. In recreational social dancing, many of the partners you come across will be strangers. Social dancing can become very intimate, and the hard truth is that there are people who will not hesitate to take advantage of that intimacy.
***Something to be noted about salsa and bachata: there are "leaders" and "followers." Traditionally, the "male" partner leads. Nowadays, anyone can be the leading partner, but the status quo remains that the following partner waits for subtle impulses from the leading partner that guide them on how to move, when to turn, etc. Such guidance lives in hand, foot, and body positions.***
In sharing my own experience with violated boundaries in social dancing, I hope that no one else has to endure something like it and can keep themselves safe as much as possible. Keep in mind these type of situations are not limited to salsa and bachata alone.
A predator is a predator no matter the situation or dance style.
What Happened
I had gone out with a group of friends for a salsa/bachata night out at a restaurant that converted into a social dancing joint after closing. It was a school-related outing, but the club was still open to the public. You see, I was one of the school club executives who organized this outing.
We had a short lesson beforehand to review the basic steps. Sometimes the instructor of a salsa or bachata class will remind everyone to keep their most personal of body parts to themselves. The space became increasingly crowded, and, so far, everything was going well.
Then a man asked me to dance (a stranger).
Nothing unusual yet. I said yes.
As soon as we were locked together on the very crowded dance floor, the man maneuvered me into a variety of strange spins and dips. The kind where, if I had let go of him, I might very well have fallen on the floor amidst numerous high-heeled feet. Whether this was premeditated or not, the man had successfully cornered me in an unwanted situation in a dangerous setting.
Almost as soon as we started dancing, the man began groping me inappropriately all over. He started with more "modest" areas and quickly advanced to places like my buttocks and even crotch. He tried several times to slip his hand between my legs, and each time I pushed his hand away. I can't remember if I verbally said "no" or not. The last straw came when he held me from behind and tried to push my shirt up to grope my breasts.
That was when I firmly shook him off when it was safe to do and declared I had to go. I was done for the night.
What awaited me was another surprise. My entire table of fellow club executives/friends had left! Without a notice! Only my change of shoes, purse, and jacket were left on the seats, unprotected. I couldn't help feeling a little miffed.
I scooped everything up and made my way to the door. As clear as it should've been that I was leaving, another man near the entryway asked me to dance. I declined with as much politeness as I could muster.
I entered the bathroom and was relieved to find one club executive who hadn't left yet (but was about to). I can't remember what we talked about as I got changed; I probably told her about the groping man, but making sure she stayed with me was more important.
We left the restaurant together and parted ways at a station.
The Aftermath
How do I begin to collect my feelings?
This was the first time I had ever been severely sexually harassed, and I hope it will be the last. I'd experienced some questionable behaviour in social dancing before, but I'd always brushed those aside and taken a break as needed.
On my way home that night, I couldn't help but replay the night's events in my head. For a week after the incident, my body didn't feel like it belonged to me. Everyday my mind automatically ran the events through my head, and everyday I felt a lingering disgust over the anonymous man's hands touching my skin.
That being said, what I experienced was manageable on my own, at least. After that first week, I slowly started to regain power over my body. Many people - not just women - experience far worse in their encounters. I dare not imagine the emotional and mental drain these people experience in the aftermath.
I never did tell the rest of the club executives what happened. In hindsight, maybe I should've. We could've used that experience as a warning for future outings, to make sure that everyone in our club stays safe and protected. Perhaps what was really holding me back was that I viewed the executives as my friends, and I didn't want to seem as if I was laying the blame on them. Even though they left me in the club without a single goodbye - which one should never do, no matter how late it is - that was an argument I didn't want to get into at the time.
There's no point lingering over "what if's." Why didn't I free myself sooner? Why didn't I get out as soon as I sensed danger? What happened, happened. There's no use blaming yourself for a situation you can't fully control. Sexual harassment and violation can be simple yet complicated. There are various factors that can affect the situation and how or when you escape it. At the end of the day, I just have to settle that I did as much as I knew how in those circumstances to avoid further escalation.
Speaking of how much I knew, though, the best way to avoid sexual harassment is education. Not just general education but education specifically in consent, protection, and respect. Unfortunately I was raised in a school curriculum that glossed over sex education. The only thing I remember hearing was that 3/8 women would be sexually harassed in the future (speaking to us students). The closest we got to understanding the human form and reproduction came from biology class.
It wasn't until post-secondary that I started seeing anti-harassment flyers, support hotlines, and quick videos for physical protection.
I know now I am not educated enough in matters of self-protection and aftermath support. I can't say if anyone else that night was, either.
Of course, there will always be people in the world who take advantage of intimate settings, regardless of education. That is their problem. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn about anti-harassment and protective measures. We all deal with traumatic experiences differently, but know that there are support resources available, should you wish to use them. There is no shame in asking for help.
Sexual Misconduct Support Resources
Government of Canada: Sexual Misconduct Support Resources Search Tool
Workplace Sexual Harassment Hotline: 1-855-776-1855
Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres (OCRCC) - note: not a crisis service
Comments